Scottish Catholic Observer

With preparations for Christmas well underway, one East Renfrewshire mother is taking great comfort in the delight her young children take in the celebrations without forgetting that there is someone missing from her festive table. When the family of Rose Mulhearn of Jordanhill, near Glasgow, gathered together the night she died—Christmas Eve almost 30 years ago—they found that their Faith and the parish community gave them solace when nothing else could.

Family unity

Following a stroke Mrs Mulhearn had been ill for an extended period, and hospitalised for close to two weeks, before she died. While her death may not have been unexpected, the family felt her loss terribly. Their grief was heightened by her passing at what is traditionally such a joyful, family orientated time of year when the focus is on new birth.

East Renfrewshire mother of two Michelle Welsh was a young teen when her maternal grandmother Mrs Mulhearn passed away. Nonetheless the St Vincent’s parishioner has vivid memories of how her mother, Terry Ralph, her uncle Jack Mulhearn and her grandfather John Mulhearn helped the extended family pull together that Christmas Eve.

Mrs Ralph, while dealing with her own grief, faced with the agonising task of having to break the news to her own four young children—Mrs Welsh and her sister and two young brothers–that Christmas Eve.

“We made a big pot of soup, her soup,” Mrs Welsh told the SCO. “And we went to Midnight Mass as planned. I don’t know how we managed to do this, but we did.”

“We all pulled together, family gets each other through the ups and down, whether it is Christmas or not,” Mrs Welsh remembered of that night—and of the ten days that followed (due to the holiday period) before Mr Mulhearn’s funeral.

Mrs Mulhearn and her husband were active parishioners and her family gathered together that Christmas Eve to attend Mass.

Mrs Welsh, who now works in Paisley with children with severe and complex learning difficulties, spoke of just how the parish priest reached out to her family at this difficult time and showed great understanding and human kindness in spite of his busy schedule of Christmas services.

“The priest mentioned her in the Mass, he wasn’t supposed to, it being such a prominent religious holiday, but he did and that meant so much to us, it was significant,” she said.

Traditions

Over the years, going to Mass—especially Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve as a family—and remembering her each in their own way, has become a tradition for Mrs Welsh and her mum.

As a mum herself now to Caitlin, 9, and Jonnie, 6, both pupils at Our Lady of the Missions Primary School, Mrs Welsh can see with new insight how hard the night her grandmother died must have been for her own mum. However,

she said her mother’s Faith grew even stronger after the bereavement.

“My grandma’s death drew my mum deeper into the Church and her Faith,” Mrs Welsh said. “Faith was already an important part of her life, and ours. The fact we went to Mass that night, that Christmas Eve, says it all. She found solace by just being there and being able to pray. We all did.”

Now that Mrs Ralph is a grandmother herself, she has been able to rediscover the joy of Christmas through her grandchildren while still keeping the memory of her own mother alive.

“For my mum having grandchildren has renewed her joy at this time of year,” Mrs Welsh said. “My children just love Christmas.”

Memories old and new

Mrs Welsh’s most vivid memory of her grandmother remains her love for her family, particularly her grandchildren.

“She always had the biggest bag of sweets,” she recalled fondly from her own childhood. “I remember arranging to meet with my mum and she would just be there, always in our lives.

“She came from Irish Catholic stock—and was probably very different as a grandmother than as a mother, less strict—but we saw her every week and we loved her.”

Mrs Welsh is looking forward to Christmas this year and she believes more and more people are rejecting the commercial trappings that have become synonymous with the feast day. Instead, she said, many of those she knows are looking for something ‘more meaningful.’

“Now I am a mum, I am beginning to be like my own mother,” she said ruefully. “I am looking for the religious cards and stamps when shopping. And I think that is because when it comes to Christmas and beyond, I am looking to instill the same values and morals in my own children as she did in me, and her mother did for her.

“So yes, my grandmother is very much in our lives.”

When asked what her grandmother would think of how we celebrate Christmas today, in an age where gifts and parties often threaten to overshadow the message that the Saviour has been born, Mrs Welsh laughed. She spoke about the ‘want, want, want’ consumer culture and the must-have toys this year before admitting: “I think my gran would have loved all the gadgets. She used to bring round bags and bags of toys at this time of year when we were growing up and I am sure she have doubled the amount for her great-grandchildren. She would have spoiled them rotten.”

No doubt that would only have happened ‘after they had been to Mass.’

SIDEBAR

New beginnings for the bereaved

To some the coming of the holidays are hard to face, when you have to face them after you have lost a loved one it can be even harder. Remember you are not alone.

The following are some suggestions taken from Genesis website on coping with the holidays:

l Bring your loved one into the Christmas celebration. Light a special candle in your home in the memory of your loved one.

l Eliminate the pressure as much as possible.

Only do what you want to do and what you are able to.

l Evaluate family traditions. It is helpful to have a discussion with other family members about what traditions you want to keep and what you would change.

l If baking and other food preparation are a chore, then save your energy for other things and buy the food rather than spending time in preparation.

l Since this is an emotionally and physically draining time, get lots of rest.

l Buy a gift in memory of your loved one.

Give it to a needy person.

l Invite someone who is alone to share in part of Christmas day with you.

l There is never a good time to suppress your emotions. Don’t do it now.

l Rather than placing all the emphasis on Christmas Day, try to observe the season. Remember, the message of Christmas is one of hope. Every day you live, every event such as Christmas you observe, puts the death of your loved onea day further into the past. Live in hope that the future will be brighter and some day you will enjoy Christmas again. Hold on to your hope!

Helping grieving children cope with

the holidays

Facing the holidays can be a stressful time for children at anytime but when they have to face the holidays without someone they have lost it can be really hard on them.

Children are often referred to as the ‘forgotten mourners.’ As the holiday season approaches adults in the family may forget that the children are also ambivalent about the holidays. They have learned not to upset their parents and so they withdraw and don’t ask any questions. They just hope things will turn out fine and that they will have a good Christmas. There are many factors that hinder children in their grieving process. One of the difficulties children have in dealing with their grief is that they are often discouraged from expressing grief.

The following are some ideas about helping children deal with the holiday season:

l Include children in any discussion about the holidays. It is a time of great insecurity for them and they need the security and support of the family. Let them know in advance that Christmas is going to be celebrated and give them some idea of what the possibilities are.

l Ask the children what they would like to have happen on Christmas Day. Ask them what they want and don’t want. It is best to know ahead of time what is going to happen rather than approach the day without any plans.

l Get the children’s ideas about an appropriate gift or donation in memory of the loved one. Make them part of the process. Children may also like the idea of putting a new decoration on the tree in memory of the one who has died. Let them choose it. They may also like the idea of a special candle that would burn in memory of the one who died. Let them buy it.

l Give children a break from the family. If they need to spend part of their Christmas holidays with their friends, let them.

l Encourage children to talk about the one who has died. This can be a painful experience, but it can prove helpful in allowing them to express their feelings.

Remember, the message of Christmas is one of hope. Christmas can be a good opportunity for the entire family to learn that life still has meaning after there is a death. There is a lot of good left in the family. The memory of the one who has died is often an impetus for the family to get together and celebrate even though the celebration will be different from what it has ever been. Remember, ‘grief shared is grief diminished.’

n http://www.catholicdoors.com/misc

/bereaved.htm