Scottish Catholic Observer

The Devil took a day off. It was such an event that his public relations office put out a press release about it, but I was the only journalist in Scotland to believe that the release, from Hades Communications, phone 666, e-mail hades@hottest mail.hell, wasn’t a fake.

What I can tell you is that we met in a Scottish hotel after his PR called back. The Devil himself was middle aged, immaculately groomed, with sleek, dark hair and a lived-in but smooth face. He was dressed in a smart suit and didn’t have horns or a tail. But he was real, very real, and alternatively charming and sinister. I started by asking him if he was disappointed that I was the only Scottish media man to respond to the press release. “Not at all,” he smiled. “The fact that most journalists and their editors thought it was a spoof just shows how successful I’ve been at convincing the world in general that I don’t exist when I‘ve never been busier.

“People think of me, if they think of me at all, nowadays, as a monster figure with cloven hooves and horns. That was an image that went down well in the middle ages, but, today, I work behind the scenes, convincing, confusing and cajoling. The Christian churches, including your own Catholic Church, have been a great help to me, as they’ve just about dropped giving Hell a mention and, as for sin, everyone knows that it doesn’t exist now—expect me, that is—and people know that you can explain away anything. It’s been a boom time for me. So that’s why I’ve taken this day off. The first for several centuries.”

Iasked him what I could call him. “I don’t like the old Scots term ‘Auld Clootie,’ and Lucifer’s a bit long-winded, so I go for Luc, a bit French and quite cool. It’s not Luke, as that reminds me of those evangelists, but Luc’s just about right and you’ll find parents, who have helped me enormously by abandoning saints’ names for their children, are already calling baby boys Luc, thinking it’s trendy.”

So, Luc it was, as he honed in on Scotland. “Scotland has been fertile ground for my work,” he smirked. “I’ve concentrated on so-called ‘gay marriage,’ just one of the strands of a long-term plan to exploit people who think they’re humanist and secularist, and that they know better than other humans, into pushing my anti-God agenda forward. I basically appeal to their pride, a very old trick of mine, and they do the rest for me.”

Luc revealed that part of the plan had been to change language. “I jumped on the so-called equality and victim culture and changed the meaning of words to add to the confusion in the public mind. So, ‘gay,’ which used to mean ‘blithe’ or ‘carefree’, has come to mean homosexual, but has softened the term, which is what the homosexual lobby wanted, while we’ve all but abolished the marriage-supporting terms ‘husband’ and ‘wife,’ and replaced them with ‘partner.’ There has been so little resistance. The same indifference in society that has led to fewer and fewer people being involved in politics, joining trade unions and attending churches, has worked a treat. It’s really been a pushover. Abortion, handing out contraceptives on the NHS to support promiscuity, legalised homosexuality, and my further’ sexual health—how I love that term—plans for the future, which I won’t reveal until gay marriage is firmly rooted in law and society, have been so easy.”

And the Devil claims that he has exploited the homosexual agenda further by tying the Church of Scotland in knots over it. He pointed to the row over a homosexual minister in Aberdeen and the breakdown in relationships between the congregation of St George’s Tron Church and the Kirk. “There’ nothing like a church for falling out with itself very publicly.

“That destroys the public’s perception of religion and makes faith less relevant as the people of God go for one another’s jugulars. Great stuff!”

“But aren’t you more worried about the Catholic Church in Scotland as a force against you, particularly with its current Year of Faith?” I said.

He sneered. “Who are you kidding? Year of Faith? How many lapsed Catholics will you have back in the pews by the end of it? How many people have even heard of it? I’ve been really clever. When your hierarchy and media office should be concentrating their efforts on making the Year of Faith a reality, at least, that’s what I’d do if I were them, using every trick in the PR book, I’ve had them nicely bogged down in the homosexual issue, and, now, I’ve made sure that the sectarianism issue is distracting them and taking the Church’s eye off the ball…”

And he was gone, melting back into our streets as just another face in the crowd, the way he likes it today. Yet, he was real. He was there. And he is here, there and everywhere, and with no more days off. You better believe it.

—This comment was printed in full in the February 1 print edition of the SCO