Scottish Catholic Observer

When I was young I was always told that being a Catholic in a godless world would never be mistaken for a bowl of cherries. There were, though, compensations for keeping the Faith while everyone else was carousing and indulging in malarkey and tomfoolery. Chief among these was the certain knowledge that, while your godless chums were all going to Hell, there was a place in Heaven reserved for you. All you had to do was attend Mass regularly; avoid murdering people; help the sick; visit prisoners; give alms to the poor and avoid concupiscence with other people’s wives. I just assumed that everyone—regardless of gender or persuasion—would be expected to achieve the same state of grace before entry to the Kingdom of Heaven could be assured.

But being middle-aged and a bloke and still Catholic in an even more secular world is not exactly a ride on the dodgems either. My endearingly unburdened atheist chums need only concern themselves with their mere mortality. All that seems to exercise them is at what point does a lifetime of bad habits finally catch up with them and whether or not they will be the ones looking for a chair the next time the music stops. Being Catholic, however, we are not supposed to worry too much about these things because a better life awaits us with our Saviour for eternity. Indeed, if you worry too much about them that, in itself, could be deemed a sin because to fret about earthly things is to deny God’s plan for your life.

But we do fret about these things and we wonder if it is just far too late to start thinking about porridge and banana for breakfast and making the large measures small once more. And, being Catholic, we also start worrying about ideas of immortality. When a chap is approaching 50 it is not unreasonable that he starts to wonder if Hell does exist and what must it feel like. Is it really for eternity? Is it simply the absence of God? After all, if an individual has lived without God for most of his life then the absence of God will not upset him too much. But a lifetime being roasted while your intestines are being gnawed by creatures with two heads and a dog’s body does begin to focus the mind more than somewhat.

While Hell is beyond dispute and is a spiritual reality, the top three Catholic shibboleths that raise doubts are: the existence of Hell; the need to go to Confession all that often (if ever) and artificial contraception—and not all necessarily in that order. Perhaps I have been overly exposed to the Catholic part-time brigade, but it is rare that you find many, even in our own Church, who survive to deep middle age with their belief in all three of the above unquestioned.

Somewhere in our journey through post-Christian and secular Scotland a scepticism about the concept of Hell begins to take root. How could a loving God send His own children to such a terrible charnel house? And for eternity? Isn’t it a bit disproportionate? One short lifetime of inconstancy begets an eternity of woe? That is not very just and compassionate. If you profess to be a Catholic and a churchgoer these days people simply look at you with that quizzical gawk on their faces and think that you are just trying to be different and thrawn. But if you state a belief in Hell, well then obviously they would say you are a complete nutter.

As for the Sacrament of Reconciliation, well if you are still calling it Confession, then obviously you are one of the 95 per cent who has not been going regularly or have not been for some time, like me. For, it seems that we have all ‘become Protestants’ when it comes to this Sacrament, making the excuse ‘as long as God knows that you’re sorry for what you did then it doesn’t really matter about going through the formalities.’ Once upon a time, my old primary school teacher Mrs McCafferty, would have called that ‘a firm purpose of amendment.’

And as for artificial contraception, well you must forgive me if I do not analyse current Catholic attitudes to that one too much. I am in enough trouble as it is for defending my gay friends and choosing George Galloway as one of my top 20 ‘Tims.’ The fact remains, however, that Catholics have stopped having double-digit families.

Every day in the secular media and in the temples of secularism, thousands of the 21st century’s ‘high priests and prophets’ will tell us how we can delay the onset of old age and infirmity. But none of them will deal with immortality and how to get the best out of it.

As I am a cheery type and if it is all the same with you, I will start contemplating the nature of Hell once more. And, along with my five a week and my monthly visit to the gym, I shall look up the Confession times at the chapel once again. Because, as Mrs McCaffery also reminded us more than just the once: death comes like a thief in the night…

— Kevin McKenna is former deputy editor of the Herald and former  executive editor of the Daily Mail in Scotland. He is currently a columnist for the Guardian